Simply Abundant Intuitive

Do you have trouble accepting when someone is upset with you or mad at something you’ve done? Maybe you try to get back into their good graces or go the opposite way and get pissed. Either way, a sinking feeling usually accompanies it. The knots in your stomach tighten because you think there is something wrong with you—otherwise they wouldn’t be upset. Instead of communicating, you look at all the ways they aren’t a good person. You make them the problem rather than focusing on yourself or addressing the issue. It’s a means of avoiding and it can happen in romantic relationships, with friends, colleagues, etc. You need this person’s validation, so when you don’t get it, you’re not ok. Your value is in their hands. When your self-worth relies on the opinions of others, everything they say matters. It becomes your own opinion of yourself. Because you live and die by what they think of you, you overreact and freak out when things go south. Believing you’ve screwed everything up, you’re afraid they’ll think you

To have what you want in life—whether that’s a fulfilling job, relationship, fame, fortune—you have to upset the apple cart. That means saying and doing what is true for you and taking action from that place. It’s a willingness to step into the messiness of life instead of trying to keep everything neat and tidy. This is something everyone needs to do, but it’s especially difficult when you’re insecurely attached. The idea of doing anything that may result in loss or disappointment is too risky; better to play it safe and stick to what you’ve got. Scarcity tells you something is better than nothing. But what kind of life is that? If you’re holding back in any way, you’re afraid of upsetting the apple cart, which keeps you stuck in the familiarity of “good-enough’s-ville.” Let’s say you’re dating with the intention of a long-term relationship yet you withhold this information on a first date because you don’t want to scare him/her away. But you muster up enough courageous to ask what they are looking for, onl

You know those strategies you have to emotionally protect yourself from pain? Yeah, they don’t work. Because there is no such thing as emotional protection; you still get hurt, you’re still in pain. Safeguarding against it is an illusion, and half the time those same strategies actually help CREATE the pain you’re in, so the very thing you’re trying to avoid happens anyway. What are these protective mechanisms? Avoiding, shutting down, acting self-righteous, lying, violence, having a meltdown and enabling others’ poor behavior, to name just a handful. These strategies are not how you form connections with people. Let’s say you are jealous of the time your partner spends with friends, so you have a meltdown or give him/her an ultimatum whenever they go out. You think you’re protecting yourself from the pain of being abandoned, but you’re really just pushing your partner further away. Then you feel shame or guilt for what you’ve done. There is a reason you believe you can’t handle the pain you’re trying to prot

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with psychotherapist, radio host and author, Kelli Miller. Kelli grew up as a bit of a control freak, believing working harder was the way to make things happen. This manifested as an eating disorder and a life plan: she wanted a boy and a girl 2.5 years apart. You probably know where this is headed… things didn’t quite go according to plan. An emergency c-section with her first son led to a series of events that challenged her illusion of control. After multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue, Kelli learned she was infertile and unable to carry another baby. Surrogacy became her beacon of hope, but that wasn’t without its own obstacles. Health scares with the surrogate where the baby’s viability was unknown for weeks sent Kelli into a tail spin, leaving her completely powerless. Fortunately things turned around and she had another baby boy, but the lessons in letting go weren’t over. Both of her sons have ADHD. Today Kelli look

When you try to control someone by berating them or giving them the silent treatment, you don’t think about the actual impact it has. You think you’ll be able to motivate them into doing what you want, but instead you push them away. Do you have a list of rules they aren’t following so you need to teach or punish them through submissive or aggressive means? You think if they would just do what you want, you would feel ok, but that’s putting your emotional state in someone else’s hands. You think you’re the strong one, but actually it makes you powerless. Sighing heavily, rolling your eyes, turning away from your partner in bed, giving the cold shoulder, name-calling, etc. are just a few ways you may try to manipulate someone into taking care of your needs. But does it actually work or do you cause them to become resistant and defensive? Instead of pulling them closer, you end up pushing them away. Healthy relationships never involve tearing each other apart; that’s not what intimacy looks like. It also depri

We pretty much all hate whiners, so why do we do it ourselves? Maybe you use a different word like “complain” or “vent,” but it’s basically all focusing on a problem. Some people are so used to complaining, they do it even after the problem is solved—on autopilot. Or sometimes they don’t even want a solution; they are just releasing pent-up energy, frustration, anger, pain, etc. But complaining is powerless and it comes from a lack of self-responsibility and self-worth. It means you’re stuck, and it’s a way of seeking validation… but other people sure get sick of listening to it. Do you constantly complain about your job, or know someone who does? The pay is too low and the hours too long… not to mention those horrid co-workers. If you’re the one venting, what is your goal? Does it give you a feeling of superiority or self-righteousness? What are you actually doing to change the situation? Talking does nothing without action. If you’re on the receiving end, always providing a willing ear, you’re not actually

When you explode on your partner, what often follows is guilt and shame. You regret what you did so you try to crawl out from the hole you just dug to pick up the pieces and get back to where you were before you exploded. Or you just stay in that hole swimming in a pool of shame. Productive, huh? Not really because you’re not making any progress. Your begging, bargaining and need for control lead you right back to square one, which you weren’t happy with to begin with. So why do you do it? Because you’re used to settling, yet afraid you won’t ever get what you want. This whole drama stems from not taking care of your own emotional needs. Maybe you say something snide to your partner like “Why don’t you just leave me?!” You hope it will lead to them confessing their undying love, but instead they shut down, lash out or leave. Whatever their reaction, you go into desperate fix-it mode, begging, apologizing and promising not to do that again. You know you overreacted and said something you can’t take back, so y

When something annoys you, causing you to complain, get defensive, etc., it is a reflection of what already lives inside you. It’s a reaction to wanting something to change that you have no control over. And as long as you’re looking for someone to change their annoying ways, you give them power over your emotions. It comes from an unwillingness to take responsibility for yourself and how you perceive others. Ever notice that when you’re not feeling good about yourself, you shift your focus to someone else and what’s wrong with them? You complain about how they do things or get mad at their inherent character flaws. The thing is, we’re all annoying sometimes. No one is immune. Perhaps someone thinks you’re annoying because you’re quiet when they want you to speak up. Or you’re annoying because you drive too slow. Annoyance is a response to what is done (or not done), not the act itself. It’s based on the meaning we give to actions and what feelings it triggers inside. If someone at the grocery store is in yo

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with mother, writer and Soul Doula, Sarah Poet. Growing up in a religious household, Sarah’s free-spirited nature was never nurtured. She always felt there was something inside that wasn’t allowed to exist. Her act of rebellion included a relationship with an older man when she was in high school, leading to a pregnancy when she was 18. Listen as Sarah talks about giving her daughter up for adoption—something she describes as soulful, yet also took her to the depths of pain and loneliness. After the adoption, Sarah operated from a very intellectual level, disconnected from her feelings. Striving to prove she was “enough” she went back to school and collected three master’s degrees. She married, had another child and worked as a school principal, trying to excel in just about everything. Realizing she had lost herself, she reconnected with what was important, wanting to do more for the whole child. She has a relationship with the

People who are insecurely attached have trouble trusting themselves because they got negative reinforcement for their choices as a kid: punishment, neglect, etc. If this is you, you are constantly looking for clues about what you’re “supposed” to do, needing reassurance around every step you make. You second-guess yourself, avoid making decisions, punish the decisions you DO make and are leery about trusting others. This results in a lot of anxiety and playing it safe because making a wrong choice could result in loss or punishment… and who wants that? If you are dating someone who is a few minutes late to meet you, or doesn’t call you back right away, you may leap to the assumption they are seeing someone else. You go off the rails because you don’t trust them, and you don’t trust yourself to handle the disappointment if you’re right. And of course you don’t ask them about it because you don’t want to know the answer; safer to keep the cat in the bag. When you don’t trust yourself, you stay stuck, afraid yo

It’s one thing to know intellectually you can’t change people, but it’s different to actually feel and accept it. Even if you tell yourself they’re never going to change, you can still find yourself angry because you want things to be different. You want THEM to be different. Maybe you unleash your hurt, sadness, pain, etc. on them through punishment. But it’s less about them and more about what you struggle with yourself. Let’s say your mom doesn’t like your spouse after 20 years of marriage and refuses to come over for holidays because of it. You want to kill her because it’s an issue every year, but you still invite her because it’s the “right” thing to do. It triggers old feelings so you scream at her when she tells you she isn’t coming to unleash your anger and frustration. You want to make her understand, but it’s fruitless. Lashing out provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue. Instead, find your pain and ask what will make it better. Getting to a place of emotional accep

Welcome to another podcast with my husband! The flood gates have opened. This time we’re talking about emotional availability and what an emotionally available man looks for in a woman. Of course the first part of that equation is that YOU have to be emotionally available because you attract people exactly where you are. If you aren’t open, it can feel like the well is dry. Yep, it’s about you. It’s about what you’re putting out there and what you’re open to. Once you start opening up, the available people appear. They really do. In our conversation, Dave and I will talk about our dating profiles and early dating (i.e. what we put out there). We’ll discuss what stood out for each other and what we were drawn to. I’ll ask what made him reach out to me, and when he knew he wanted a second date. Was he ever afraid of scaring me off? You hear my perspective all the time, so now I’m bringing you the other side! We’ll talk about red flags, dating rules and turn-offs. I’ll also ask him a few questions I received vi

Introducing… my husband! I always knew I would bring him on at some point (he has offered many times), so an email inquiry about how my husband and I communicate provided the catalyst. In our very first podcast together, Dave and I will walk you through a situation in which we were both emotionally triggered, and how we handled it. You’ll hear my perspective and his: what we were each thinking, feeling and saying. We’ll also share how our open communication style is different (and so much better) than it used to be. Speaking your truth is something I talk about a lot as being critical to personal growth and building your value, so we’ll be sharing what that looks like in practice. The backdrop will be a recent wedding we attended where we arrived an hour late to a group dinner. I was triggered, he was triggered… it was a big ol’ trigger fest. As you’ll see, transparent communication isn’t about coming to a resolution. The goal isn’t to make the other person understand your position or agree with you. Forget

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with best-selling author, speaker and business owner, Bill Wooditch. Bill grew up in the backwoods of Western Pennsylvania where his mom had a singular goal: get her kids out of their dead-end factory town. His father was a strict alcoholic who never validated him, so Bill had his own mission: rebel at all costs. That meant growing his hair, smoking, drinking and working in a factory… essentially closing the door on his own future. One day as he grabbed his bologna sandwich and started off to work, he looked back at his mom who had tears in her eyes. Her worst fear had come true. Bill was on his way to nowheresville. That feeling of disappointing his mom fueled Bill to leave his factory job, go to college and change the trajectory of his life. Listen in as he shares his path to monetary success as a top sales person at a Fortune 500 Company, then to life success. He talks about the importance of transparent communication and tha

Do you look for validation from someone who doesn’t give it to you? Each time you do this it reinforces your deeper belief that you don’t matter; you’re not important; you don’t have value. Then what happens is you draw people to you who treat you like you’re the booby prize because it matches those feelings inside. It’s a pattern that manifests as people-pleasing, perfectionism, clinging, overstepping boundaries, working hard for validation and more. When you focus on the other person like this, you give them power over your emotional state. Staying in this “booby prize” situation gives your negative beliefs evidence that this is all you deserve, strengthening them so the pattern is harder to break. If you are in a relationship with someone (either casual or serious) and you’re more concerned with what they think of you than how you actually feel, you are operating from the belief you have little or no value. It’s a familiar feeling because it already exists inside you, which is why you stay, even though it

Do you have a laundry list of emotions you think you can’t handle? Maybe you think you’ll be swallowed up by criticism, negative emotions, loneliness or loss—loss of a partner, status, money, job, etc. The overarching theme in all of this is disappointment. People avoid disappointment all the time because they don’t think they can deal with it, which keeps them from moving forward. It is the opposite of emotional resiliency, which is your belief that you’ll be able to handle whatever life throws you. Emotional resiliency is a HUGE turning point in emotional growth, and trust me, you want it. It’s what allows you to take risks that previously held you back. When you are emotionally resilient, you don’t end up settling because you’re coming from a place of abundance, not scarcity. You have an inner peace, knowing you’ll bounce back from whatever life throws your way. If you go through a break-up or loss, while still painful, deep inside you trust you’re going to be ok. Knowing you won’t be stuck in a pit of de

Your heart will always lead you in the right direction while your head will keep you stuck. But what happens when you get a “gut” feeling and you’re not sure whether or not to trust it? Well, sometimes what you THINK is your heart is really your head. This confusion stems from being outwardly focused. You get a wrenching feeling in your stomach, so you think you’re onto something. But no… it’s just your antennae up, scanning for problems based on old stories. When you look for clues to match a story in your head, that’s not your intuition. Maybe a past partner cheated on you so your “gut” tells you your current one is too. You start looking for evidence to prove this feeling right… he/she didn’t text back quickly enough the other night, so they must be cheating. He/she is always checking their phone when out with you, so they must be cheating. You don’t realize this is a scenario YOU are creating based on an old pattern. It’s your head looking to support your belief that you’re someone people cheat on. Your

A lot of people have limitations that keep their dreams at bay. Sometimes these limitations are conscious, sometimes not. Your negative beliefs are part of what limits you (feeling you don’t deserve, you’re a failure, etc.), but examples set by others also play a role. You hear about regrets from others and think that’s a normal part of life, so giving up on your dream becomes a learned behavior. Without realizing it you’ve allowed these people to kill your dreams and you think it’s no big deal. WHAT? Maybe your dad had a business that did really well, then he lost it. Your lifestyle changed and he taught you that being an entrepreneur would make you poor. He regretted his decision to go off on his own and you grew up with that example. Fast forward to your adult life where you want to start your own business, but all of these old thoughts and feelings hold you back. You succumb to that fear, stay at the job you hate and give up on your dream because that’s just how life goes. It feels like the responsible t

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with author, mentor and certified life coach Andrea Owen. Andrea grew up in a family where the only accepted emotion was happiness. Negative emotions were a sign of weakness, so she often believed her feelings were wrong. This led her to a tumultuous relationship with very high highs and very low lows. She didn’t listen to her intuition that told her to break things off, so instead she married a man who defined her self-worth. Planning for a family together came to a devastating halt when her husband got a neighbor pregnant and asked Andrea for a divorce. Listen as Andrea shares the truth about using blame as her coping mechanism, and how she was able to turn that around to take responsibility for her life. The skills she developed helped her through another traumatic experience: the loss of her dad. Today, as a life coach, wife and mother, she helps high-achieving women let go of perfectionism, control and isolation to choose

Here we are with another triangle: perfectionism, fear of jinxing things and trying to control outcomes. They all interplay and it looks something like this… to have what you want (i.e. a happy relationship), you feel you must attain perfection to ensure that outcome, and you’re afraid of doing something wrong to jinx it. To pre-empt the potential loss of that happy relationship, you hide who you are. If you believe you’re single because you aren’t perfect, then meet someone, you may think it’s because you’ve moved closer to perfect. You’re afraid of jinxing things so you hold back information about yourself. Gotta keep up that perfect appearance to hold onto the new relationship! The problem is you are still anxious and insecure inside, waiting for the bottom to fall out. You seek that quick fix validation from your partner that he/she isn’t going anywhere, but the relief is only temporary. The antidote to this triangle is openness. When you’re focused on controlling an outcome, you may think you’re open b